"Not a Toddler, Not Yet a Girl!"

Wow! Okay, so things have been shifted into overdrive in my world here lately so I haven't had time to write. Back up....correction...I haven't made time to write. I made a vow that I wouldn't make excuses for not writing this blog and I'm going to stick to that.

Although, things have been pretty hectic here...i.e. my household goods shipment from Indiana has already arrived at our destination in California, 3 weeks early, so that was a good thing, but also scary. After all, you are only allowed to keep your things in temporary storage for 2 weeks, but this time they are making an exception for us. Whew! I dodged a bullet on that one. See, my husband is the one in Iraq, but he's obviously not the only one dodging bullets. :)

Secondly, my sweet little girl, who will soon be 2-years-0ld apparently woke up one morning and decided that she would start talking. I mean, the kiddo went from mostly jabber and a few coherent words to a little jabber and a lot of coherent words and sentences. With this new found vocabulary though, she has also gained more independence, which I'm not so sure that I like yet. Yes, it's nice for me to be able to just get her the things she's asking for, rather than decode her jabber and hope that I'm understanding her correctly, but with this comes a lot of sad feelings for me. My baby is no longer a baby anymore, and I really miss those days.

This isn't where it stops with my sweety. Oh no, she has also found that she absolutely loves to play dress-up. She can pretty much dress herself in her princess dresses, shoes, etc. She probably walks better in a pair of "kiddy" high heels than some women I know. It's absolutely hilarious. Now she wants to wear mommy's make-up and put pretty things in her hair. Oh and I can't forget to mention the body spray. Every night after she gets out of the bath tub we must put on body spray or life just isn't complete. Where did this little girl come from and how did it happen so quickly. She no longer wants me to help her get dressed or put her shoes on, etc. Oh, and the girl is trying to potty train herself. How much easier could this get for me, I ask you? She has not quite realized that she can actually go to the bathroom before she does her business, but she will run there immediately afterwards and sit on her potty chair. She'll figure it out eventually, but for now I'm not pushing her. She'll do it in her own time. Besides, she's not even two-years-old yet. I think that it's great that she even recognizes the signs and goes to the bathroom after the fact. What a smart little girl I have.

Her new found independence is breaking my heart, but what scares me the most is what it will do to her daddy when he returns from Iraq to find that the "baby" that he left 6 months prior is no longer a baby, but a little girl with very "girlie" and grown-up interests. How can I ease the pain for him? The pain of knowing that she will be 2-years-old around the time of his homecoming, but that he has missed a year of that time...a year that he will never get back with her. Don't get me wrong, she has in no way, shape or form forgotten her daddy. Actually, in the last few days she has voiced in very plain English, "I want daddy." This kills me every time she says it because that's one thing in this world that I wish I could give her most, and I can't. I'm torn between telling my husband this in hopes that it will make him feel good that she is asking for him and that she hasn't forgotten him or will it backfire on me and make him feel even worse? My struggles aren't always physical, but sometimes emotional. This is one of those times.

For the past two years my daughter has been my life. I have taken care of her everyday since she was born, but now I'm struggling with the idea of going back to work. I wouldn't have given up a single day that I have had with my daughter, but something has to give. I think I would be a better parent if I could take a job, even on a part-time basis. I need to give to others whether it be in a work or volunteer position so that I may give more to my daughter. Does that make any sense? I need to have the feeling of complete fulfillment, as well as the feeling that I am contributing monetarily to my family.

Part of me feels very selfish for even thinking of putting my daughter in this situation. I've had my daughter with me every day. She is a very social little girl and makes friends easily, but will this have a negative effect on her if I go back to work? Will it have a negative effect on me, my husband, or my family if I go back to work? This is something that I have been struggling with for a long time. My ideal job would be a freelance writer so that I could stay home (since we're constantly on the move with the military) with my daughter, do what I love to do, and get paid for it. That would me my dream job. Is there anyone out there who is looking for a freelance writer who is very well in tune with the world as a military spouse / physically handicapped mother? Any takers?

Tomorrow I will start my hunt for the perfect job in our new location. The perfect job. The dream job, but for now I will freelance for my readers in hopes that god willing some of you...any one of you has a hook up somewhere. ;) Stay tuned for more crazy adventures here!

P.S. For those of you who didn't catch on to the title of this particular blog entry, it comes from the Britney Spears song, "Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" I figured at this point, my life is just as crazy as Britney Spears is.